don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
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Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
that lip filler tho
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”