Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
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a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company