My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.