@LarryFulford

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

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@tkhan74

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

@realHamOnWry

My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.

@NotthatAdamWest

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

@GoodNaps

Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else

@ThugRaccoons

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

@sip_at_home_mom

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

@Dani_Feld

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

@Unkle_K

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace