Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”


My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.


“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”


Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else


Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video


I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.


A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…


I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace