Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
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Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota