“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
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dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*