The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
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I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?