Some people need Rosetta Stone for Sarcasm
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
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Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Glad they redesigned Gmail—I’ve been dying to compose an email farther to the right.
Welcome To Earth. You’re not supposed to rub your eyes when they itch even though nothing feels better than rubbing your eyes when they itch
Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?
DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen