“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
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Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
and now we wait
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.