@TheZachCozad

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

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@BoomBoomBetty

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

@iwearaonesie

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

@imchriskelly

Glad they redesigned Gmail—I’ve been dying to compose an email farther to the right.

@Piecezilla

Welcome To Earth. You’re not supposed to rub your eyes when they itch even though nothing feels better than rubbing your eyes when they itch

@VerifiedDrunk

Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.

@fro_vo

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

@AndyAsAdjective

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

@ClichedOut

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen