@TheZachCozad

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

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@RedBeard3000

Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: no sir
0: you were swerving
M: Twitter
O: oh, I’m on Twitter what’s your handle
M: yes, I was drinking

@Reverend_Scott

????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
????LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

@LittleMissZesty

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

@ArfMeasures

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

@TheTweetOfGod

It’s weird for Me not having a Pope. I feel like Burns without Smithers.

@fro_vo

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris