“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
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7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I know this now 😂
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
There are no pants in heaven.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.