“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
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you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Stonehinge
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
me: my friends:
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!