Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
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Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]