@SoulYodeler

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

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@Fred_Delicious

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”

“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

@NotThatKristi

We’re adults. It’s bad enough we selfie. Don’t make it worse with the surprise face selfie

@JermHimselfish

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

@capnwatsisname

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

@putyoursisterd1

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

@FeelingMervis

If Pitbull wasn’t famous he’d easily be the creepiest guy in every club he visits.

@girl_a_whirl

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

@Michael1979

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”lilgapeach30″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3529105583/bc5c0d35511cba165b39e5feb01cf6b5_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”324965949398712322″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”52″;s:5:”tweet”;s:132:”Think I’m gonna use. random punctuation? in all my tweets from now on! You know-test the e card creators! and tweet thief’s grammar:”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}