Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
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Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
They also CAN sing✌️
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
The two types of wives
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.