Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
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I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.