@Smooheed

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

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@TheGayFlash

The Pink Panther’s To Do list:
– To do
– To do
– To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo

@JohnDuffy21

Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.

@leshnevsky

Me: – Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: – Because you’re a pessimist, honey!

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

@Reverend_Scott

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

@the_anastasia

My friend is so stupid she thought Alabama is a city. Don’t worry, I informed her Alabama is the president.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Boyfriend calls me Gluteal Myalgia because he thinks I’m too dumb to understand what it means.

Let’s see how he likes the name Microphallus

@stoneman67

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.