Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
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Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons