“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
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Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
❤️❤️❤️
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!