DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
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Going back in time, y’all need anything?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.