@The_No_Show

“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” he screamed at his phone. Everyone else on the train hugged their phones a bit closer.

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@VerifiedDrunk

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

@mydmac

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

@kumailn

Shocking that people who’ve been physically assaulting each other for 3 hours would lose their tempers.

@aveuaskew

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

@theroneman

[stacks of books on floor]
Impressive, son.
[son places pizza on one stack, soda & cookies on others]
“Yep; perfect height” [turns on Xbox]

@Carbosly

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

@Sanbel11

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

@droidbears

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

@imteddybless

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

@not_delicate

My husband went to the market for the first time during Coronageddon.

Me: Don’t forget hand soap!
Him: OMG I won’t forget ffs!

{From the store}

Him via text: in line to pay!
Me: Did you get soap?
Him: I forgot to look.

This is why I have a boyfriend.