Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
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Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
These aren’t even hard anymore.
DOOO EEEET
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
NASA has no chill
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.