Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
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This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
…..pretty much.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones