Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
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BOSS: why are you late?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I bet it’s tough being a police sketch artist in China.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.