Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
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I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Cheers Twitter.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
How actors in movies eat their food
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.