@myonlymizztake

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

You Might Also Like

@lloydrang

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

@hansabumsadaisy

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

@007Pepe_Rex

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

@IAmMikeFeeney

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

@JediGigi

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

@batkaren

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

@KarateDonuts

For years, my wife & I couldn’t have a dog. My doctor said we should stop trying because humans can only make humans.

@ThingsJackDigs

Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.