@myonlymizztake: Don't you hate it when you're planning someone's funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
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@ArfMeasures: [Party] Me: so I went to the corner shop...and bought 4 corners hahaha Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study? Me: Yeah why? Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
@zacharyflynn: One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn't really fit me anyway.
@jakob_huber: I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
@PaulFrei: I would never have a swear jar as 1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and 2. Imply that I have spare change.