Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

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Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think


If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.


Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?


The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.


Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops


I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.


For years, my wife & I couldn’t have a dog. My doctor said we should stop trying because humans can only make humans.


Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.