Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
You Might Also Like
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Thursday
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Smells like a challenge to me
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.