Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
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“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year