Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
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[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
congratulations to them
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.