Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
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client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.