if ur dating a gym rat ur single to me. what’s brad gonna do beat the shit out of me? oh really? oh ok yeah I was kidding lol literally a joke haha im sorry
Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.
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Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Amazon Prime is probably the least threatening of all the Transformers.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”