@thatUPSdude

Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.

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@goodbeanalt

if ur dating a gym rat ur single to me. what’s brad gonna do beat the shit out of me? oh really? oh ok yeah I was kidding lol literally a joke haha im sorry

@kylekinane

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

@panmidwest

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

@eleniZarro

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

@Ideal_Victoria

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

@imence2

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

@Social_Mime

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

@Reverend_Scott

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

@vineyille

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”