Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
My inexpensive home security system…
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.