Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
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If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.