Nobody pays attention like the person behind the first car at a red light.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
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It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
*pulls back your shower curtain*
What did you mean by “creepy”
Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth