@1evilidiot

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

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@pineapplepleas

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

@heatherlou_

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

@thejayroyal

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

@RexHuppke

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

@UnFitz

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

@PajamaBenLaden

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

@donni

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

@misfarber

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about

@DanMentos

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go