Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
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Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house