Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”