Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
You Might Also Like
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Bless you
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.