Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
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A classic…
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun