guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
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IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!
Dude: You’re so whipped.
Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Someone: if you’re not deaf why do you always use subtitles?
Me, someone with audio processing issues so bad I literally did not understand what you just said: yeah!
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.