@avainwordland

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

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@MNateShyamalan

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

@ShutUpThatsWho

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

@javi_draws

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

@daemonic3

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

@squirrel74wkgn

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

@comer310

Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!

Dude: You’re so whipped.

Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.

@leechee420

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

@evervway

Someone: if you’re not deaf why do you always use subtitles?
Me, someone with audio processing issues so bad I literally did not understand what you just said: yeah!

@Darlainky

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.