Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
You Might Also Like
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”