If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
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(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?