Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
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Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?