@AmishPornStar1

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

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@AnnietheNanny1

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

@flashember

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

@PFitzpa

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

@RexHuppke

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

@TheToddWilliams

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

@envydatropic

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

@yenniwhite

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.