Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
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DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
WHAT ARE YOU EATING AND HOW CAN I HELP?
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
“Jesus is here”
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.