Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

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Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.


DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight


Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.


My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.


[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”


“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva


There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one


Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.