People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
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me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
me irl
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.