She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
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I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
the composer
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.