Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
You Might Also Like
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Is….Is this an option?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain