Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
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Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
one of
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.