*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

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I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.


I don’t think nachos cure hiccups, but I’m willing to test this theory for the good of humanity. I will report my findings post haste


Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?


Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.


“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”


When Harry Potter is finally classified as classic literature, my extensive knowledge will be seen as intellectual. Then who’ll be laughing?


I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.


I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.