@girl_a_whirl

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

You Might Also Like

@QwertyJones3

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

@AbleLikes

I don’t think nachos cure hiccups, but I’m willing to test this theory for the good of humanity. I will report my findings post haste

@JennyPentland

Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?

@lecalabara

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

@UncleDuke1969

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

@HogwartsLogic

When Harry Potter is finally classified as classic literature, my extensive knowledge will be seen as intellectual. Then who’ll be laughing?

@RidiculousSheri

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

@Wakenbake77

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.