*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
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hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
having children is a pyramid scheme.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??