[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

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6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.


As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.


Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.


INTERVIEWER: When did u last work?

ME [shrugs] Months ago

INTERVIEWER: That’s a long time not to be employed

ME: Oh no I’m still employed


It’s been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I’m still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!


my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden


I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”