@NewDadNotes
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
@MetteAngerhofer
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
@anerdonfire2
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
@CrockettForReal
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
@samdunsiger
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
@ArfMeasures
INTERVIEWER: When did u last work?
ME [shrugs] Months ago
INTERVIEWER: That’s a long time not to be employed
ME: Oh no I’m still employed
@CulturedRuffian
It’s been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I’m still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!
@MNateShyamalan
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
@Russo_Brothers
@seamussaid
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
