[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly