Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@isabelzawtun

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

@mattZillaaaa

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

@HousewifeOfHell

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

@torrami

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

@Dmvm1977

OMG! My boss has choked on his sandwich and stopped breathing!! Should I call an ambulance?

Its been 16hrs.. I didn’t wanna make a fuss.

@TattleTSister

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

@badbanana

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

@EternalDago

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

@Adam14

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with