@justabloodygame

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
?????

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@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

@moose_chocolate

Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a “violent” stabbing incident? Is it possible to stab someone non-violently?

@PinkCamoTO

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

@aissalanis

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

@JanieBoBanie3

I see your eyes lookin me up and down, baby. Mhmm.
Huh? Toilet paper hangin out of my pants?
Oh.

@melgabored

BIDEN
(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.

OBAMA
Joe, I’m a little busy.

BIDEN
I love you.

@Karate_Horse

do you think my parents divorced because I’m too handsome like they said