I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
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Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
OMG! My boss has choked on his sandwich and stopped breathing!! Should I call an ambulance?
Its been 16hrs.. I didn’t wanna make a fuss.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with