@XplodingUnicorn
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
@justabloodygame
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
?????
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@XplodingUnicorn
@moose_chocolate
Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a “violent” stabbing incident? Is it possible to stab someone non-violently?
@PinkCamoTO
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
@wendchymes
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
@aissalanis
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
@JanieBoBanie3
I see your eyes lookin me up and down, baby. Mhmm.
Huh? Toilet paper hangin out of my pants?
Oh.
@melgabored
BIDEN
(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.OBAMA
Joe, I’m a little busy.BIDEN
I love you.
@KylePlantEmoji
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
@goyangsk
I will never leave twitter.
@Karate_Horse
do you think my parents divorced because I’m too handsome like they said