3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
You Might Also Like
Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a “violent” stabbing incident? Is it possible to stab someone non-violently?
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I see your eyes lookin me up and down, baby. Mhmm.
Huh? Toilet paper hangin out of my pants?
(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.
Joe, I’m a little busy.
I love you.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I will never leave twitter.
do you think my parents divorced because I’m too handsome like they said