parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
You Might Also Like
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.