The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
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“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[bono dressed as magician]
“think of a song any song”
“right n- no, a U2 song”
oh ok um.. elevation?
“ok now.. check your phone”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]