[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
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5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.