Doormats are a gateway rug.
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In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???