me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
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Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Lassie, get help!
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.