“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
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King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Nothing to do, you say?
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.