DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

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[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh


Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.


MY DATE WHO IS A SQUID: What movie should we see?
ME, SECRETLY TRYING TO HARVEST HER INK: Something super scary *I empty my popcorn bucket*


Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.


I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.


Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.


Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!


I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam