DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
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Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
whatcha thinkin bout