@geekysteven

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

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@IfIwassomething

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

@JakeSocial

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

@iamspacegirl

MY DATE WHO IS A SQUID: What movie should we see?
ME, SECRETLY TRYING TO HARVEST HER INK: Something super scary *I empty my popcorn bucket*

@DBGerrard

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

@sixfootcandy

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

@Rich_McCarthy

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

@SeeEllVee

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

@spcycucumber

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam