DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.


Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.


*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*


The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”


I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they’re going to expire in 2017.


ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog


Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him ūüôĀ


Left my car for maybe 15 minutes in front of the dorms and I come back to this. College man


Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C‚Äômon…please? You‚Äôre her offspring…she‚Äôs less likely to harm you.


If you’re walking by an abandoned bookstore & the front door opens for no reason, go into that bookstore.