Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
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Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they’re going to expire in 2017.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Left my car for maybe 15 minutes in front of the dorms and I come back to this. College man
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
If you’re walking by an abandoned bookstore & the front door opens for no reason, go into that bookstore.